So tonight was with Dr. Zen, I will talk about Dr. Zen only in the Dbt Page, and share the work sheet he gives us as well aw upload my DBT diary skills when I figure out how. It won't allow for PDF file uploads.....retarded!
Anyway, it was an ok day.
I finally checked out the CWC, that MF had been trying to get to get me to go to for weeks and I kept telling he it wasn't my thing. I still don't know what I think about it, but whatever, it works for now. I don't know how long she expects me to go, but I am hoping not too long. I was already stuck at LC forever and now DBT for a year, so this is just a whenever I think.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Dear Kimiko Mae Christensen Hammari.
Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ, where does this letter even begin.
Oh, there is one thing that needs to get out of the way right now................miss great 'editor' I don't give a shit about your red pen or my writing on a blog. Maybe if I gave a shit about you, I would care more, but I don't, so get your red pen out and waste your time. Second, I am glad you are back in Utah and I am hopeful that your husband can hold down a job there since he couldn't here. oh, see, maybe I care a little, I do have a little hope for you.
Second, refer to the Melanie Eng Ling letter too, because it is meant for you as well.
So, now should I begin your letter as.........
"oh holy one"
"Great Deceiver"
"Best Co-Coward of All Time"
I think Great Deceiver is best because isn't that really what you are? Don't you have everyone fooled? I mean we all can look at your sourpuss face and see how frumpy and grumpy you are, but do people REALLY know who you are and what a bitch face and mean person you really can be? I seriously can't believe I called you a friend for 2 1/2 years when you would cheer my failures or you would clap and laugh when I told you in confidence about things that would hurt my feelings. Does a true friend REALLY clap and cheer when their is a failure or when feelings have been hurt? Shit, I mean, we would constantly agree to disagree, but I never once clapped and cheered for you to be down or blue. But that is a whole different ball game than why I am writing this letter to you. Maybe I need to write you two letters.
Gosh, Best Co-Coward of All Time is such a good title too. People just need to know that you and Daniel Hammari are such cowards that you throw my belongings so sloppily into a box and you can't even put them on MY doorstep, you put them on Carol's doorstep. That is true Coward badge of honor right there. I mean, who does that. No matter how much you go from 'friends-to-hate' with someone. It has to be Co-Coward of All Time, because Karen MaReady wins BEST COWARD of ALL TIME, so I wouldn't want to take that title away from her.
You see, I actually cared about our friendship that you took so carelessly. I actually trusted you. That was probably my biggest mistake. You see, I don't trust people. At least I don't trust people very easily, especially with my inner most secrets. Gosh, for the first time in a very VERY long time, I felt safe. I felt very safe. Meaning I opened up emotionally leaving myself vulnerable and even though you gossiped about people ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME and you admitted you gossiped all the time. I actually believed in my heart that I wasn't gossiped about. Stupid Stupid me. Why. How could I be so stupid. How could I let my guard down that low to really believe that you gossiped about everyone but me. See, that is how and why "Great Deceiver" is probably the best nickname I could ever give to you. You have the wool pulled so far over everyone's eyes that no one sees the real you. To be honest, I think you even have Dan fooled. There, I said it. I have felt it for a long time and I am putting it out there for the entire world to read and see. You have the wool pulled so far down over Dan's eyes you have even him fooled.
Not once did I gossip about you and your shit to another person. Not once did I treat your feelings, your failures, your sad/bad days as my triumphs and cheer them like you did mine. Not once did I even really talk about anything we talked about or did together, because that is how friends treat each other. They treat each other with respect. They treat each other kindly. They don't gossip about each other. Did your mother fail to teach you that as a child or did you fail to learn that teaching? So, Marylee F might let you know that I warned her about your gossiping about her and the fact that you called her Eeyore behind her back and that you hate her, because I did in fact warn her that you did those things. I warned her because she doesn't deserve to be treated so delicately and unfairly. She is not a bad person and does not deserve unkindness from people like you.
Lastly, I am just gonna say it, because I feel it and well.....because I feel the way I feel and I am calling a spade a spade and it how I see it. You are a horrible person. You are a horrible mother. You are a horrible example to those beautiful children of yours, Mayumi and Lilli. Mayumi and Lilly are such bundles of pure happiness of joy and your sourpuss, bitterness and ugliness is going to ruin them. It is simply going to ruin them. They will end up exactly like you. (1) you act like your life is the most difficult life anyone has ever led - you are a stay at home mom.....Mayumi is in school.....Your house is a disastrous pigsty mess, and you goof off online all day....leaving Lilli to do who knows what. You certainly aren't working on things like ABC/123 and things like that. I have hung out at your house. You ignore her a lot. You get frustrated with her if she needs to much attention. Do us all a favor and do not create anymore children, because we don't need more people like you in this world. We have enough bitterness, ugliness, etc.
Oh, there is one thing that needs to get out of the way right now................miss great 'editor' I don't give a shit about your red pen or my writing on a blog. Maybe if I gave a shit about you, I would care more, but I don't, so get your red pen out and waste your time. Second, I am glad you are back in Utah and I am hopeful that your husband can hold down a job there since he couldn't here. oh, see, maybe I care a little, I do have a little hope for you.
Second, refer to the Melanie Eng Ling letter too, because it is meant for you as well.
So, now should I begin your letter as.........
"oh holy one"
"Great Deceiver"
"Best Co-Coward of All Time"
I think Great Deceiver is best because isn't that really what you are? Don't you have everyone fooled? I mean we all can look at your sourpuss face and see how frumpy and grumpy you are, but do people REALLY know who you are and what a bitch face and mean person you really can be? I seriously can't believe I called you a friend for 2 1/2 years when you would cheer my failures or you would clap and laugh when I told you in confidence about things that would hurt my feelings. Does a true friend REALLY clap and cheer when their is a failure or when feelings have been hurt? Shit, I mean, we would constantly agree to disagree, but I never once clapped and cheered for you to be down or blue. But that is a whole different ball game than why I am writing this letter to you. Maybe I need to write you two letters.
Gosh, Best Co-Coward of All Time is such a good title too. People just need to know that you and Daniel Hammari are such cowards that you throw my belongings so sloppily into a box and you can't even put them on MY doorstep, you put them on Carol's doorstep. That is true Coward badge of honor right there. I mean, who does that. No matter how much you go from 'friends-to-hate' with someone. It has to be Co-Coward of All Time, because Karen MaReady wins BEST COWARD of ALL TIME, so I wouldn't want to take that title away from her.
You see, I actually cared about our friendship that you took so carelessly. I actually trusted you. That was probably my biggest mistake. You see, I don't trust people. At least I don't trust people very easily, especially with my inner most secrets. Gosh, for the first time in a very VERY long time, I felt safe. I felt very safe. Meaning I opened up emotionally leaving myself vulnerable and even though you gossiped about people ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME and you admitted you gossiped all the time. I actually believed in my heart that I wasn't gossiped about. Stupid Stupid me. Why. How could I be so stupid. How could I let my guard down that low to really believe that you gossiped about everyone but me. See, that is how and why "Great Deceiver" is probably the best nickname I could ever give to you. You have the wool pulled so far over everyone's eyes that no one sees the real you. To be honest, I think you even have Dan fooled. There, I said it. I have felt it for a long time and I am putting it out there for the entire world to read and see. You have the wool pulled so far down over Dan's eyes you have even him fooled.
Not once did I gossip about you and your shit to another person. Not once did I treat your feelings, your failures, your sad/bad days as my triumphs and cheer them like you did mine. Not once did I even really talk about anything we talked about or did together, because that is how friends treat each other. They treat each other with respect. They treat each other kindly. They don't gossip about each other. Did your mother fail to teach you that as a child or did you fail to learn that teaching? So, Marylee F might let you know that I warned her about your gossiping about her and the fact that you called her Eeyore behind her back and that you hate her, because I did in fact warn her that you did those things. I warned her because she doesn't deserve to be treated so delicately and unfairly. She is not a bad person and does not deserve unkindness from people like you.
Lastly, I am just gonna say it, because I feel it and well.....because I feel the way I feel and I am calling a spade a spade and it how I see it. You are a horrible person. You are a horrible mother. You are a horrible example to those beautiful children of yours, Mayumi and Lilli. Mayumi and Lilly are such bundles of pure happiness of joy and your sourpuss, bitterness and ugliness is going to ruin them. It is simply going to ruin them. They will end up exactly like you. (1) you act like your life is the most difficult life anyone has ever led - you are a stay at home mom.....Mayumi is in school.....Your house is a disastrous pigsty mess, and you goof off online all day....leaving Lilli to do who knows what. You certainly aren't working on things like ABC/123 and things like that. I have hung out at your house. You ignore her a lot. You get frustrated with her if she needs to much attention. Do us all a favor and do not create anymore children, because we don't need more people like you in this world. We have enough bitterness, ugliness, etc.
Dear Melanie Eng.
Let me start with saying, I will not apologize for making this public, nor will I apologize for how I feel.
Second, you two started this fight. You two started the gossiping. You two started the drama and I am over it. I will address both of you separately and these letters are as honest as it gets. You want drama, you want gossip, you want to bring it.....well, it has been brought. I have been brought to the brink of what I can take.
Third, you want to think that Kimiko Mae Christensen Hammari is your little bestie? You want to think she is such a great friend of yours? Well, I can tell you right here, right now on this very public blog of mine that she is in fact NOT. She gossiped just as much about you behind your back as she gossiped about me behind mine. I am not calling her out on her gossiping as a big huge surprise. She knows she has a gossiping issue. She has admitted she has. Ask her if she does.
Oh, just let me tell you what she has said about you....then I will address the gossiping you did about me, then finally, I will address the gossiping I did about you. Like I said, you wanted it brought...it has been brought and gloves are off.
1) Kimiko HATES when you want Katelyn to play with Mayumi. It pisses her off in fact. She said that your bratty (oh yes, she calls Katelyn bratty) makes Mayumi mean and she doesn't like Mayumi to play with Katelyn. She will lie about it, but oh, she has said it many times. MANY MANY times.
2) She constantly gossips about the state of your and Ether Lings marital status and if you guys are actually happy.
3) She constantly gossips about the actual state of your and Katelyn's mental health and if you both need mental health treatment.
You two (technically three with Karen MaReady) started the gossiping and drama when you took it upon yourself to keep me out of MY room and you/Kimiko went through my room and found a 'letter' from Eric that also could never be found again....and funny thing is, I have no idea what is in the letter - I am going off what the two of your told ME. Eric wrote a letter, a post-nuptial letter telling me if I signed it and agreed to HIS terms it would prove to him that I wanted to save the marriage. That part I remember. I signed the letter. Yes, I remember that too. What the letter actually said - what the list contained I do not know, I do not remember. I only knew one thing. At the time of signing it, I wanted to remain married to him. I loved him. Signing it would prove to him I wanted to remain married, so agreeing to 'his' terms seemed like the best and easiest solution. How this letter was never reproduced again after you and kimiko went through my computer is completely mind boggling to me. I remember only a few things of interest that you two mentioned that were in the letter because I was under heavy medication and you two NEVER EVER mentioned the letter again or addressed the issues that arose from you reading it again.
(1) you guys brought up the issue of Doctor's Hospital and why I was under my maiden last name, to which I told you why and had proof of. You two never said anything about it.
(2) you two brought up an issue of Eric addressing a shoplifting incident and I acknowledged it, admitted it. Even under heavy sedation of medication.
(3) Kimiko asked me if my friend Martha really existed because you guys haven't met her. She asked to take the mission lessons and she asked to take them from people I know, but the bishop told me no that she would have to take them from the ward she would technically be assigned to, so Martha wasn't interested. She is like me and doesn't trust people, too bad I didn't listen to my gut and avoid you, her,
Other than that, I remember NOTHING else from that day. You two hid everything else from me. I kept falling asleep because of medications and Karen kept me from my room where you two had a field day going through whatever you wanted.
Now, I am not playing the victim here, I did gossip too. The only person I ever talked to about you to was Kimiko. The same stuff she gossiped about to me was the same stuff I said. Yes, I called Katelyn bratty. Yes, I said that I think Katelyn has some mental thing going on. I said that because of a time you told me she was bawling saying she was ugly/fat. It is NOT normal for a child of her age to have body image problems. It is not normal at all.
Lastly, a friend is a friend is a friend. If you can't handle honesty from a friend (case in point....my emails) then that is YOUR problem...not mine. I called the three of you out on your bullshit of gossiping and you guys couldn't handle it. You couldn't even email back with your 'honesty' because you were afraid of my depression. Well, my depression is my problem. I can handle honesty......what is the funniest to me, Karen the 'lawyer' couldn't. To me, that is the biggest coward of them all.
So, to you, I say fuck off. You know you haven't seen the last of me because your parents are still in the ward. I still know plenty of gossip about you, so you want to continue this battle? I can continue it. Just say the word and it will happen. Trust me I can go there, I can make you feel as low as you guys have made me, oh trust me, I can.
Second, you two started this fight. You two started the gossiping. You two started the drama and I am over it. I will address both of you separately and these letters are as honest as it gets. You want drama, you want gossip, you want to bring it.....well, it has been brought. I have been brought to the brink of what I can take.
Third, you want to think that Kimiko Mae Christensen Hammari is your little bestie? You want to think she is such a great friend of yours? Well, I can tell you right here, right now on this very public blog of mine that she is in fact NOT. She gossiped just as much about you behind your back as she gossiped about me behind mine. I am not calling her out on her gossiping as a big huge surprise. She knows she has a gossiping issue. She has admitted she has. Ask her if she does.
Oh, just let me tell you what she has said about you....then I will address the gossiping you did about me, then finally, I will address the gossiping I did about you. Like I said, you wanted it brought...it has been brought and gloves are off.
1) Kimiko HATES when you want Katelyn to play with Mayumi. It pisses her off in fact. She said that your bratty (oh yes, she calls Katelyn bratty) makes Mayumi mean and she doesn't like Mayumi to play with Katelyn. She will lie about it, but oh, she has said it many times. MANY MANY times.
2) She constantly gossips about the state of your and Ether Lings marital status and if you guys are actually happy.
3) She constantly gossips about the actual state of your and Katelyn's mental health and if you both need mental health treatment.
You two (technically three with Karen MaReady) started the gossiping and drama when you took it upon yourself to keep me out of MY room and you/Kimiko went through my room and found a 'letter' from Eric that also could never be found again....and funny thing is, I have no idea what is in the letter - I am going off what the two of your told ME. Eric wrote a letter, a post-nuptial letter telling me if I signed it and agreed to HIS terms it would prove to him that I wanted to save the marriage. That part I remember. I signed the letter. Yes, I remember that too. What the letter actually said - what the list contained I do not know, I do not remember. I only knew one thing. At the time of signing it, I wanted to remain married to him. I loved him. Signing it would prove to him I wanted to remain married, so agreeing to 'his' terms seemed like the best and easiest solution. How this letter was never reproduced again after you and kimiko went through my computer is completely mind boggling to me. I remember only a few things of interest that you two mentioned that were in the letter because I was under heavy medication and you two NEVER EVER mentioned the letter again or addressed the issues that arose from you reading it again.
(1) you guys brought up the issue of Doctor's Hospital and why I was under my maiden last name, to which I told you why and had proof of. You two never said anything about it.
(2) you two brought up an issue of Eric addressing a shoplifting incident and I acknowledged it, admitted it. Even under heavy sedation of medication.
(3) Kimiko asked me if my friend Martha really existed because you guys haven't met her. She asked to take the mission lessons and she asked to take them from people I know, but the bishop told me no that she would have to take them from the ward she would technically be assigned to, so Martha wasn't interested. She is like me and doesn't trust people, too bad I didn't listen to my gut and avoid you, her,
Other than that, I remember NOTHING else from that day. You two hid everything else from me. I kept falling asleep because of medications and Karen kept me from my room where you two had a field day going through whatever you wanted.
Now, I am not playing the victim here, I did gossip too. The only person I ever talked to about you to was Kimiko. The same stuff she gossiped about to me was the same stuff I said. Yes, I called Katelyn bratty. Yes, I said that I think Katelyn has some mental thing going on. I said that because of a time you told me she was bawling saying she was ugly/fat. It is NOT normal for a child of her age to have body image problems. It is not normal at all.
Lastly, a friend is a friend is a friend. If you can't handle honesty from a friend (case in point....my emails) then that is YOUR problem...not mine. I called the three of you out on your bullshit of gossiping and you guys couldn't handle it. You couldn't even email back with your 'honesty' because you were afraid of my depression. Well, my depression is my problem. I can handle honesty......what is the funniest to me, Karen the 'lawyer' couldn't. To me, that is the biggest coward of them all.
So, to you, I say fuck off. You know you haven't seen the last of me because your parents are still in the ward. I still know plenty of gossip about you, so you want to continue this battle? I can continue it. Just say the word and it will happen. Trust me I can go there, I can make you feel as low as you guys have made me, oh trust me, I can.
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