7/13/2014. More.

I always find a way to survive. I have known nothing but survival my entire life. One day I will blog about all of it, I am just not sure if I am ready to face it yet. I have 'talked' about it with therapists and friends, but writing it means I really have to let the demons out. Am I ready to face that yet? I don't know.

The few months of being in/out of behavioral centers/mental intuitions was no easy task, trust me. I don't know if I was more frustrated or my doctors were more frustrated. I think I did hit rock bottom and gave up, it was my 'team' as I call them that pushed me through, and here I sit on the outside world some days not knowing what to do, wanting to run back to the comfort of structure and safe and warmth (if that makes sense) of a mental or behavioral center.

I MISS my day program. That place had the best therapists I have come across. The therapists seemed to REALLY get the patients, all of us. All of our diseases. They interacted with us, yet kept their distances (boundaries) they hugged us if we REALLY needed one. My therapist MF was the absolute best of the best. I miss her. Really miss her wisdom, her wit, her warmth, her stern hand calling me out on my bullshit, her hand touching the top of mine during a meltdown (like right now), her laughter. Gosh, she was really a great therapist.

That is why I am not sure I trust Mr. Zen right now, because MF really got me. She knew when to call me on my shit, she knew when not too. Right now, I don't care what therapist it is, I need one. I just need to get through today, so I don't care if it is Egg, MF, Mr. Zen, JEL, whomever, but I need one.

Shit, I have been on a rollercoaster today. I went to church, addressed that issue and cried. Came home and did some crap and felt ok, now I am on the verge of a total meltdown again. If I was in front of JEL, he would be annoyed I didn't reach out to the crisis team this weekend and seek help, but he also knows that is part of 'MY' disease and personality is that I don't. I simply don't ask for help and my crisis becomes so out of control that there is no going back.

7/13/2014.

Last week I had mentioned that I didn't know if I wanted to continue going to church, but went anyway. Today was the same thing. I went today even though I didn't want to go. Well, I stayed for two hours out of three (Mormon). One, I wanted to talk to MW. I also want to talk to JH because he had said something last week that offended me.

With JH, we both have a tendency to open our mouths and insert our feet, so I am used to it. I have been in his office before when he has said something where he has inserted his foot and I usually laugh it off and laugh for weeks about it because I find it so funny.

However, with this particular comment, I couldn't. I had to address it because it hurt to the core. I just went in, stated the facts, repeated the comment, stated more facts to back up why I was hurt, accepted his apology and that was that - end of story. He asked if I was staying for the 3rd hour and I couldn't. The addressing the issue with him just was emotional and I had to get out of there, it left me in tears, so I had to leave and leave quick.

7/12/2014.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.

There returns the anxiety I KNOW so well.......You were gone for a few days, but I knew you never left my side. Go, be gone with yourself.

7/11/2014.

Met with psychiatrist for more in-depth appointment. We discussed my history, my crisis and diagnosis.

I haven't wanted to like REALLY want to admit it, REALLY want to let it sink in or REALLY accept it.

Have I yet? I don't know.
Will I ever? I don't know.

 I bought a book on the diagnosis today.

Will I open it? I don't know.
Should I? Probably.

7/10/2014.

On reading medical records.

Have you ever ordered all your medical records and read them? I ordered them. Read them according to department.

Psych was my least favorite to read shockingly. Even go into a therapist appointment and remember start to finish how the appointment went and read it how the therapist viewed how the appointment? It is quite shocking to say the least. I mean QUITE shocking and can even bring on a mini-crisis.

I read an entry by egg. It brought a whole new level of awareness to me. I mean two people can have an outing and view it quite differently, but this shocked me.....really shocked me because she entered how her 'nickname' came about and it actually didn't happen quite like she entered it, but that is cool. Whatever.

Her nickname came about because during a session she said, "You are a good egg" and I asked her what that meant. That is the only reason her nickname came about.

7/9/2014.

I have admitted that I tend to push people away.

I have admitted that I tend to be blunt, harsh, honest and sometimes rude. OK, a lot of times rude.

SO, I have had this friend for 2 1/2 years, who KNOWS all of these things about me. We have talked about all of these things. I sent her an email, (1) being blunt calling her out on her crap. She gossips about people, even about close friends. We have talked about the fact that she gossips a lot. It should not have been a surprise to her. It wasn't a fact that I pulled HER character flaw out of thin air and shocked her with it. She gossips about our friend ME and KM to me and gossips about me to ME and KM, so forth and so forth. So I pointed this out and told her some things about her gossiping about me to her 'clique'. (2) I was irritated that she wouldn't text or call back for like 2 weeks because I was doing HER a favor by giving her some a cabinet and some storage bins. Her response and I quote said........I am not at your beck and call. Fuck you. I was doing YOU a favor by giving you this stuff, I have NEVER expected you to be at my 'beck and call', so simply fuck you and the horse you rode in on. A REAL friend would have never said that, a real friend would never gossip about you. I never EVER gossiped about her to ME or KM or to anyone. 

I SO wish I was the person to run to ME and KM to tell them the stuff that she has said about them, because it is actually SO not nice. In fact, the things are down right rude. If they knew, I am not sure they would remain her friend either, but instead they alienate me over the truthfully honest emails I have sent. Oh well, I don't care. I am over it, them, and her.

7/8/2014.

I don’t know if I am not self-harm coping   b/c I don’t have the means for it or b/c I learned coping skills at LC (day program) and/or at DBT. I still have days I can’t leave the house & inside I still feel like my octopus is drowning me at the bottom of the ocean.  *might have if there was a means of my choice to do it.  Meaning, I am more of a numb my brain with medications self-harmer. I don’t drink which can also numb your brain. I keep saying that & feel on the edge, but I’ve been without a car for 3 days so I feel trapped physically and emotionally right now. My car is in the shop because the entire electrical system of the steering column went out.

I had to work the game and the battery died. I had a nervous breakdown when no one from press had jumper cables. I sobbed and sobbed until one of the guys said he would stay with me until triple A arrived. It was my first day back to work and already anxiety provoking for me.

7/7/2014.

This past weekend when I was miserable, I think it may have 'Bob' trying to take me down to the depths of hell again.

Today, I feel pretty well. I actually did things! I took an entire load of stuff to the dump and the guy I met at the register is a huge San Francisco Giants fan and told me a 'we are taking you down tonight'. Super funny.  I only cleaned up my space because my case worker (SC) is coming over this week. Do case workers inspect and report to your psychiatrist and psychologist what your place looks like? My gut says yes, but I don't know. If she does, I don't need Mr. Zen and JEL on my case.

I also met a woman in the waiting room in the in the psych department lobby from Dominican University and we talked for 30 minutes. We laughed so hard talked about the quirks of Dominican. It was SO great to laugh so hard. It made me feel normal.

When I first arrived at my group therapy appointment tonight, I was minding my own business eating my nectarines, and a little old lady put her hand out and asked for my second one. I looked at her...looked at my nectarine, grunted but still gave her my nectarine. I didn't want to because I can taste so few things, but I did. I could tell when she bit into it that it made her happy, but I still wanted it.

7/6/2014.

Today was slightly better than yesterday.

I also have epilepsy. One of my meds has a side effect to where I can't taste food. Correction....every time there is an increase or  change in dose I can't taste food for like for 4months. On the 3rd the med was doubled, so right now I can't taste food. Today I was starving and I ate a nectarine (one of my favorite foods) and I was able to taste it. I was in HEAVEN. It was glorious.

Oh yeah, I discovered I can taste cheddar cheese too. I couldn't taste pizza though, how odd.

The strangest thing about this med (Topamax) is that I can't taste soda, I can't even FEEL carbonation in my mouth or throat. It is sad because I LOVE Dr. Pepper.

I had a melt down at church, remember yesterday I said I wasn't sure I even wanted to go today or ever again. There are many reasons why and I won't even go into it.

Current.

As of today, due to DBT. My posts will be current about my moods, etc. I can't dwell in the past on this blog, unless I relate it to my day. 

So, today.....July 5th.

Is a crappy day. I am in unbelievable amounts of pain in my left shoulder due to an injury. Work was stressful and long. I don't feel well. My epilepsy meds were doubled and the meds have a side effect where I can't taste food every time there is a change. The side effect lasts several months. It sucks. Who likes to eat if you can't taste food? I still have no friends. I am lonely. I sit in my lonely world with my cute cuddly dog and do nothing. I hate life, actually, I just hate everything. Tomorrow is church, I don't want to go. I see no value in it anymore.

DBT.

So, I have started this 'DBT' therapy that is a year long group therapy program.

1) I am not sure what I am supposed to get out of it. Yes, I have only been to one session so far. However, I am not sure it is for me.

2) The therapist is Mr. Zen-like master himself. He is so calm and manicured like it is abnormal. His calmness is relaxing, but I really don't know what to take of it. Not only do I have to do this group therapy with him, they made me switch my therapy therapist to him. I don't know. He is not (MMF) the therapist I love and trust and can open up to. With DCJ (Mr. Zen), I haven't figured out how much I trust and can open up to. Right now, I trust JEL (my psychiatrist) more than I trust Mr. Zen. Sheesh....this is all confusing.

1. JEL (psychiatrist - gentle, yet hardcore. Extremely intelligent. Calls you out on your crap, etc.)
2. Mr. Zen (DBT therapist)
3. MMF (old therapist, whom I loved and trusted the most)
4. MF (therapist at day program, who rocks, I trust, she MAKES me discuss and makes me admit dark secrets that she knows before I am ready to admit, she just knows it)
5. Nr. Nippling (also at day program, very funny. Runs the aftercare program now that I 'graduated')

3) this is all over the place. My brain just spins and spins out of control all the time. Maybe I do need DBT.

My last 24 hours.

Beatrice got a hold of my work headphones and took the spongy parts off and buried them in the backyard. She got into the Quinoa and ate dry quinoa.

My cell phone states that I am 280,280 days behind everyone else and that it is 11pm on Nov 21 and has remained 11pm Nov 21 for 24 hours. Very frustrating.

Watched Pitch Perfect, Despicable Me 1 & 2, and 3 episodes of Dexter final season.


in  four day period

I had neurology appointment for my epilepsy, an ortho appt, GP appt, group therapy appt, DBT appt, psychiatrist apt and therapist appt.

Nippling? Anyone? Chirp!

Sarah..........nippling cures diseases man........I think I was on to something that day.

We need can sell shirts for $19.99 at Gay Pride across the country. We would be the perfect quad-team. A Mormon. A Jewish man. A Gypsy. and a Gay man. Can you just imagine?

Marvin J. Ashton.

If we could look into each other's hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It is time to meet Bob.

This is a long post. It is completely honest and MY truth. MY own words. MY own experiences. MY own description.

We all have something in our lives that is hard, difficult and often times impossible to explain to someone else who just doesn't get it - especially if that person has never been through an experience that is remotely close to whatever we have or whatever we are we are experiencing. For example, I was viciously mauled by a dog when I was eight years old, which isn't something I would say 99% of the population has experienced or has the ability to understand what I went through. However, I am not writing about dog mauling's. I am writing about something much much darker but still has a major impact on our society. I am writing about mental illness. Mainly about MY mental illness and how I view it, my experience with it and how I explain it to other people who do not have mental illness.

Oh My Gosh, here I go.

Depression is a disease that is serious. I am not talking one or two days of you or I feeling blue/sad I mean the lingering days and days - months of deep dark painful sadness. These symptoms interfere with my ability to work, sleep, study, eat and me to enjoy life. Many of my closest friends are gone because I pushed them away. It is my fault. They didn't understand ME, and I gave up, I push everyone away. I live in a dark lonely world because of it. No one understands, when I explain, they don't care enough to stay by my side through the darkness. So, if they don't care, why should I? That old saying of you know who your true friends are......blah blah blah, is true.

So, I started thinking of a way I can explain MY disease to someone in a way that they could understand it. At least partially enough where I, Jennifer, am coming from. I say Jennifer because, I have to keep saying that this is about my experience, no one else. I am not an MD. This is just my story. Mental illness is not an all-encompassing disease, no two people are alike, each person rates differently on the five axis scales, and no two people feel the same way even if their axis scales were similar or identical.

During one of my most recent hospitalizations, I was in a group session and the group leader asked me to check in and I said I felt like an octopus was drowning me at the bottom of the ocean. He looked at me with intrigue, yet like I was on crack, and asked me to explain further. I told him my depression was so deep that I felt like the eight tentacles of an octopus had a grasp on me at the bottom of the ocean and that I couldn't come up for air. I was drowning.

This is where Bob was born. (Although Bob wasn't named until much later, but he was born in that group session)

You see, an octopus has no internal or external skeleton allowing them to squeeze through very tight spaces thus keeping me at the bottom of the ocean. The octopus can also expulse ink against its predator's to get away (in this instance, the predator's are the therapists, psychiatrists, medical professionals, church clergy, friends, and anyone else willing to help). Lastly, the octopus can jet away very quickly through the water and has the uncanny ability to get away from the predator's (aka the help) that is FOUR strikes against me, making it nearly impossible for any human to help me out of the grasp of this venomous predator.

Each octopus has eight tentacles covered in suction cups holding on to me, grasping me, drowning me, from any and all help that any one person or 'medical team' that tries to help. I have labeled these eight tentacles of how I feel (1) self-hatred. (2) anger. (3) fear. (4) abandonment from God/people. (5) incapability of reaching out. (6) loneliness. (7) isolation. (8) self-harm (suicidal idealization).

Now we also have the little rubbery space between each tentacle that allows the tentacle to wrap itself over one another, double over itself, multiple times, etc. It does every to block my escape from this damn octopus, to make things easy I am calling this little rubbery space the 'negative space' so that I can label them as well because there are also eight of those are killing me. (1) uncontrollable crying. (2) hatred of others. (3) inability to take care of myself. (4) inability to find happiness. (5) my negative tapes that play over and over telling me how dumb, stupid, fat and ugly I am, (6) fear of opening up - even to my own doctors. (7) overeating to fill the pain. Last but certainly not least (8) unbearable emotional pain.

For me, the octopus was the perfect example of how to explain what depression is because we all know what an octopus is, how it holds on to its prey until it suffocates to death. The only question left is how to get each individual away from their own encompassing octopus! Mine seems to have a death grip on my life and won't let me free. Some days I feel like I can see the top of the ocean and only need a few inches to come up for that gasp of air, other days, I am drowning, down so deep I don't know up from down or left from right.

Is my octopus trying to teach me something? Like how to breathe without a snorkel or a oxygen? If I name my octopus will he/she finally lighten up and loosen its death grip? I do not know what lesson I am to learn, except how to live with depression.

I do know that no matter what lessons I am to learn, I know that this damn octopus has not stolen my ability to think, my demented humor, or my ability to laugh.

I could name this octopus Jack Ass after my ex-husband, but no one wants to say they have a Jack Ass inside of them, so this naming ceremony needs to be more pleasant. Like Bob. Kind of like the movie. What about Bob, then everyone would ask me, what about Bob? or I could give it a strange quirky name, but I like Bob. Bob is short for bobbing, as in a fishing bobber. Eventually, the bobber has to surface for air, I can tackle (like that fishing pun) one tentacle even if Bob jets back down to the bottom of the ocean, I can get one tentacle at a time each time the bobber floats.

So Bob it is.

This is Bob (found on Google images - not my drawing)

Don't worry, Bob returns a lot. Bob and I develop an intimate relationship. A hatred relationship.....of me hating him.

Screw this.

I have no reason to live. Will I ever have a day again where I don't sit and cry? My new normal IS mental hospitalization/behavioral therapy. I don't think I can live in society. Society (1) is a cruel place. (2) our society still believes mental illness is made up> I can attest to you that it is NOT made up because I sit in misery. (3) I may not want to live in society. I haven't decided.

Disclaimer #2.

I created this blog and updated/posted a bunch of things out of order, so the start of the blog I played catch up and therefore may or may not be where I am at when this blog is read.

The great and BIG crisis of 2014.

I have been in this crisis that I can't get out of. I have bounced around from one behavioral/mental/hospital stay for the last 4 months because I have no reason to live. I have to lie to my own doctors/therapists just to get out of the hospital or behavioral centers. I can't live in society, it is awkward, or maybe it is just me who is too awkward for society.

I have no REAL friends, actually I have no friends at all. I have pushed them away (1) because I have been hurt by them or (2) because I been too bitchy and send texts/emails/conversations that have been to blunt or honest and people take it the wrong way and then they in return don't want to be my friend. However, truth be told, if true deep honesty can't be used in a relationship the relationship with that person has already served the purpose it was meant to serve. Meaning, the value of the relationship has already been met.

I sit in my lonely world my mind spinning and spinning. Sometimes, actually often, I just sit and bawl. It is a lonely world for a lot of people with mental illnesses. 

I didn't use to be this bad. I had a 15 year stint without a crisis and was able to function in society. I am hoping this blog will serve as a purpose of letting me function in society again. At least a little.

Fall Season!

The fall season has FINALLY come and I am SO excited. I love everything about this season.

1) The colors: orange, gold, red and browns.

2) Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday).

3) Halloween.

4) Pumpkins (pumpkin soup and pumpkin pasta mmmmmm)

5) Soups and Crock Pot meals.....delicious (come over and try my chicken soup).

6) The crisp cool air.

7) Birthdays (am I really going to be 36?)

8) Leaves crunching underneath my feet.

9) Rain - - - - - bring on the rain this year!

10) Calla Lilies, Gerber Daisies and Sunflowers (all of my absolute favorite flowers)
11) Trees changing
12) The smell in the air
13) Apple cider (mmmmmmm)

I could go on and on, there are so many reasons to love fall

Chewy Granola Bars (another secret recipe!)

These are so delicious. I found this recipe from another blog and love-love-love them. I made them for some classmates and they were a BIG hit. These are loved by both kids and adults!!!

They tend to fall apart easily, so I usually add a little bit more butter or honey so the mix sticks a bit more which seems to help.

If you like crunchy granola bars, just bake them longer.

Ingredients:

2 1/2 c. Oats - quick rolled oats
1/2 c. Rice Krispies
1/4 c. coconut
1/2 c. M&M minis
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. butter, softened
1/4 c. honey
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Add all of the ingredients and mix together until combined. Press into a square 8×8 pan. Bake at 350° for 18-20 minutes. Cool for 10 minutes and score into bars. Let it set completely and then cut into bars.

Other Varieties to try (instead of M&M's):
Peanut Butter
Mini Chocolate Chips
Peanut Butter & Mini Chocolate Chips
Almonds
Dried Cranberries
Dried Cranberries & Almonds (my favorite!)

About Me.

I am random, nerdy, sarcastic, and an emotional idiot.

I love to laugh. I find humor in nearly everything. I love to make others laugh, even in their darkest moments. Some may say I am just putting the sunglasses on during those dark times, I say I am bringing a moment or two of pure joy. Laughter is the best medicine.

I cry and/or laugh at inappropriate times, blurt out whatever I am thinking without filters, and consider myself socially stunted.

 

I am a severe insomniac, learning nerd, reality TV addict and a comedic genius (JOKE).

I obsess constantly – which creates my insomnia; blogging is a way to clear out my overcrowded brain.

I can't stand people who place judgment on the LGBT community and the topic of 'allowing' them to marry or not.

 Beatrice is my sweet sweet little 4lb cuddly dog.

 

Life is incomplete without: Laughter.
 

I have a hemangioma on my right side and have a mirrored one on my liver. It is the funniest thing ever.  I also have birthmarks on my thighs that are mirror images of each other!!! Haha true!

Motto: The world is many shades of gray/blue/fuschia. People who only see it in black and white make me want to smack them.

Pet Peeve: snobs, telemarketers, selfishness, mean people, people who have a false sense of entitlement, dogs that bark for hours on end without its owner bringing it inside, and ignorance.

 

Quote from a movie: Yeah I always keep a spare mouse in my wallet for occasions such as this.

 

Quote I like: A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow….William Shakespeare