I always find a way to survive. I have known nothing but survival my entire life. One day I will blog about all of it, I am just not sure if I am ready to face it yet. I have 'talked' about it with therapists and friends, but writing it means I really have to let the demons out. Am I ready to face that yet? I don't know.
The few months of being in/out of behavioral centers/mental intuitions was no easy task, trust me. I don't know if I was more frustrated or my doctors were more frustrated. I think I did hit rock bottom and gave up, it was my 'team' as I call them that pushed me through, and here I sit on the outside world some days not knowing what to do, wanting to run back to the comfort of structure and safe and warmth (if that makes sense) of a mental or behavioral center.
I MISS my day program. That place had the best therapists I have come across. The therapists seemed to REALLY get the patients, all of us. All of our diseases. They interacted with us, yet kept their distances (boundaries) they hugged us if we REALLY needed one. My therapist MF was the absolute best of the best. I miss her. Really miss her wisdom, her wit, her warmth, her stern hand calling me out on my bullshit, her hand touching the top of mine during a meltdown (like right now), her laughter. Gosh, she was really a great therapist.
That is why I am not sure I trust Mr. Zen right now, because MF really got me. She knew when to call me on my shit, she knew when not too. Right now, I don't care what therapist it is, I need one. I just need to get through today, so I don't care if it is Egg, MF, Mr. Zen, JEL, whomever, but I need one.
Shit, I have been on a rollercoaster today. I went to church, addressed that issue and cried. Came home and did some crap and felt ok, now I am on the verge of a total meltdown again. If I was in front of JEL, he would be annoyed I didn't reach out to the crisis team this weekend and seek help, but he also knows that is part of 'MY' disease and personality is that I don't. I simply don't ask for help and my crisis becomes so out of control that there is no going back.
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