Zen and I talk about Jackass.

JACKASS

1. We talked a little about jackass. I know I should probably talk more about him. It wasn’t until that night that I realized how much the pain is really so close to the surface that it caused a slight meltdown. I just laid in bed crying because it reminded me how fearful I was at times. How defeated I was, how ridiculed I was, how ashamed……gosh so many emotions were swimming around in my head. Sure, I have had to deal with things along the way…ie…the 1^st wedding anniversary divorced, etc. But this was the first time I was truly alone and had to deal with the emotions and I recognized how close they are to the surface that they are just ready to boil over. I can’t even write this paragraph without crying. Why I dealt with it for so long, I don’t know. 14 years. 14 fucking years of living in fear. I had suicide attempts in 2003 and the suicide attempts were because of him. I didn’t know how to leave him. I didn’t know where to go, so I thought my only way out was suicide. I had two attempts. One I ended up in ICU for a week. It was NOT fun. I tried to hide the fact that I had a suicide attempt from him. So, I asked all medical staff that it remain private and only discussed with ME. Then a random chaplain comes in while jackass was there and the chaplain says, “oh I am here to talk to you and I see you are in here for suicide” I almost died, I was so angry. The RN was changing my IV. I looked at her, and I said, “get him out of here and get him out now because I asked that my record is only discussed with me”. She ran over to the chaplain and rushed him out, but it was too late. Jackass knew the truth and he said, “is there something I should know”.  Oh, if I only had the guts back then to leave him, I wouldn’t be where I am now.