Zenmeister and Talking About My Father...Double Ugh.

FATHER

1. Speaking of coward – I have very vivid memories and nightmares of you beating the absolute shit out of me. Remember the pizza incident? Yeah, you want me to go there? I can. All of us girls have called you out on the physical abuse and you beating the absolute shit out of us. I mean this literally and figuratively – the pizza incident – yeah let’s go there. Mom left pizza out on the stove all night and I wanted pizza for breakfast, so I ate a slice. You were pissed off that I ate a slice. You came in the kitchen, slammed my head against the wall, dragged me to your room, threw me on your bed beating me, literally beating the shit out of me, I kept crying and trying to get up to go to the bathroom. I was crying because I needed to fucking poop. You dragged me to the bathroom slammed my body to the toilet and you waited at the door and you told me “I am NOT done with you”. After I was done, you threw me back on your bed and kept beating me. You stupid fucker all the while, JBL was begging you to stop. I was 10 years old. Over a slice of pizza. How do you literally and figuratively beat the shit out of a 10-year-old and live with yourself? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Does it make you feel like a man? Did it make you feel macho?
2. What about the time JSL made you mad and you pushed her into the pool – yeah the public pool. She was four-years-old. Guess who jumped in and saved her because she didn’t know how to swim. You already know the answer because you were standing right there…….you saw it happen………Yeah, that would be me. I saved your four-year-old from drowning because you are an asshole. I was in 6^th grade and I am the one rescuing the child you shoved into a pool because you were mad.
3. Now this one deserves its own paragraph because it just can’t even be blended in with the other shit…….let’s talk about money. I am not talking monopoly money. I am talking real American money. Remember, I was the child who stood out. I didn’t want to be like you. I despised you. I still do. I only talk to you out of obligation that you are my ‘father’. During 4^th&6^th grade, I would teach the other little girls in the neighborhood gymnastics every Saturday morning and I would charge them $1. Then I would put on a ‘gymnastics show’ for the parents to come watch and I would charge the parents .50cents to watch. Yup, it is true, you can’t deny it, let’s go back to Gilbert and ask everyone that still lives there, shall we? I would save my money, but see, you had a drinking problem, so you would take my money so you could drink at the bars. Once I got to 7^th grade, I didn’t want to do the gymnastics thing anymore, I had my eyes on making more money. I would wake up early every Saturday morning and walk around the entire neighborhood with our lawnmower and the gas I paid for PLUS I walked around with a bucket full of soap and old wash clothes. I would knock on every door of the people we knew and ask if I could mow lawns or wash cars. Some Saturdays I was out all day with so many jobs of lawns to mow and cars to wash. I was the little entrepreneur of the neighborhood and soon enough I had other kids who wanted to join me and help. So, I had workers to help me. All of this can be verified, let’s make that trip back to the old neighborhood, I dare you, don’t be a coward, let’s face the truth head on. Once I was old enough to babysit, I was babysitting, mowing lawns, washing cars and making more money than any preteen/teen could imagine. You started coming to me telling me we were too poor to buy groceries and I was obligated to help. How is a 14-year-old OBLIGATED to buy groceries for the family. Jesus Christ, I don’t know who is more fucked in the head, you or me. At 15-years-old for who knows what reason, we lost the house and we moved to Utah. So, I was in high school….remember, because I skipped 2 grades and was taking advanced classes and certain classes I was taking early……..I was a senior in high school at 15-years-old (turning 16 during that year) and working full-time at McDonalds. I was given a FULL SCHOLARSHIP to attend Utah State and to be on the schools fastpitch softball team. You would not let me go to school and accept the scholarship…..you wouldn’t even let me play softball anymore. I DID ALL OF THIS HARD WORK OF GRADUATING EARLY AND BUSTING MY ASS OF BEING SALUTATORIAN OF MY CLASS TO GET AWAY FROM THE FAMILY – YOU NEVER UNDER STOOD IT. I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE. You said I had to keep working and make money, because at this point mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and that the family needed my money to in order to function. I was working 40+ hours a week. You took every penny I was earning and I don’t know what you were doing with it. You said the state needed to verify my income because we were on food-stamps. My brain still does not compute that. Why does the state need a teenagers income if the adults are in charge of running the family unit – whatever, that is your issue – not mine. Finally at about age 19 I was so tired of you taking my money I wouldn’t let you have it anymore.
4. You should know this next shit really well. I moved out for 6 months while mom was still alive, moved to grandma’s house. Once mom was officially diagnosed with bone cancer and it was so bad and the doctors told her she probably told her she had about a year to live. What was the first thing you did? Think real hard? .....I mean REALLY hard……don’t answer bar because that isn’t the right answer…………keep thinking…….you went to the court house and filed for divorce. Yup. My father the coward goes to the court house the same week his wife is told she has a year tops to live and files for divorce. What did you do after you filed? This part should be easy now that I jogged your memory of you filing for divorce……come on now….you can do it (You really should watch Adam Sandler movies because when I typed that I typed it saying it in the characters voice…..yeah I totally crack myself up sometimes) ….think. You drove to grandma’s……AH HA…..HER MOM’s HOUSE….BINGO….you win the prize of all prizes of assholes and you hid there while she was served divorce papers. If I could insert slot machine noises into a blog I so would because you sir deserve them!
5. So, because she was so sick, I left grandma’s moved back home. Mr. coward felt so bad (all of a sudden) and decided not to follow through with the divorce. However, you certainly made sure or claimed you were working so hard and so many hours. I was only gone for 6 months and the girls were falling apart. JLL started failing all her classes. She was in 8^th grade. She spiraled out of control, sex, drugs, drinking. How was I supposed to help an 8^th grader with these issues when I had no clue about them myself? I didn’t know how to tell an 8^th grader about STDs when I had never even had sex myself. I didn’t know how to talk to her about drugs or drinking when I at the time I had never had a alcohol in my life and I have never taken illegal drugs before? Even when she got caught having sex at school and the boy she got caught with had been tested for HIV/AIDS and tested positive and JLL needed to be tested, you were not there for her. It was me again. JLL was terrified and needed a parent in her life for direction. JLL even sat there crying to you that she needed you to be there and you said you can’t because you needed to work late.   
6. I was the one that had to tell them that mom died because you wouldn’t. One of the hardest things I have ever been asked to do. Here I was at 19, trying to figure out what to do with my own life, what direction I want to go, and all of a sudden I have to figure out how to tell my brothers and sisters their mother had just passed away. Yes she had been sick, and all, but a grown man and a father should be the one telling his own children not asking his eldest daughter to do it. Again – true coward badge of honor right there. Where did you go….the bar? The thing is, as much as I hated mom, in that last moment of her last breath. I think she knew that I was the one who had to deliver the news. It wasn’t just to my beloved brothers/sisters. It was everyone. I was lying in bed awake and I looked at the clock at 2:36am and I took a deep breath and I literally said to myself “she is gone now you need to wake your siblings” – yeah, I shit you not. That is exactly what happened. The hospital told us they thought it would be within the next 1-2 days, so we had a time frame. Guess what her death certificate says you stupid fucker. It fucking says March 19 2:36am. Yup. You want to know who else had the same thought? Her best friend Gayle. So it wasn’t just a spooky feeling a stupid 19-year-old had. I called Gayle after I told the girls because Gayle had told me she would help call family. She said she already knew. Gayle said she woke up at 2:36am and heard the words “God almighty I am free at last”.  Guess what time the hospital called the house? 2:45am. I answered the phone. Luckily it was the RN who lived 3 houses down from us, she knew I was old enough to be accepting the news and it wasn’t the younger siblings. Not only did I have to tell my sisters and all the family. I had to figure out how to get a hold of my lifelong best friend, JBL. He was on his mission. I had no clue who to call, how to get the news to him, how to get him home. You…….no one knew where the fuck you were. You certainly weren’t at the hospital saying goodbye to your wife. I know this, because I drove me and the girls to the hospital to say goodbye. It was your brother and his wife who rushed to be by our side and comfort us girls to make sure we were ok. Soon after, all eight of his children were there. You weren’t there until several hours later acting like you had been crying for hours. How does your brother/his wife AND their eight kids who lived more than an hour away make it before you do? You might have fooled others, but you didn’t fool me. I may have been only 19, but you see, I actually have a wise soul and I could and can see right through your bullshit. You even told your brother/his wife it was too painful for you to pick out the coffin and flowers – so guess who did that…….yup me – along with your brother. Here I was planning a funeral, telling my brothers/sisters (you know the step-siblings and adopted siblings at this point blah-blah) their mother passed away, trying to comfort them and make sure they are ok – making sure they know they are LOVED – making sure someone doesn’t leave them at the hospital or on the fucking side of the road because I am sure you would have, and I am picking out flowers, contacting your eldest son to get him home, calling all of the family members and making sure we have enough hotel rooms for people, making sure the boys have suits and girls have dresses to wear to funeral, the only thing I didn’t do was pay……but you, it was just too painful for you to handle, basically too painful for someone who is at the fucking bar. Your brother even paid for about 90% of the funeral services. Too bad he is deceased because I would love to ask if you thanked him. I still don’t know why you acted like life was so hard for you. I don’t know why YOU chose to not raise the younger siblings. I had to – ask them, they will tell you. They will fucking tell you straight to your face that I raised them. From the moment mom was diagnosed, remember I was only 15 at this time, until JSL dropped out of high school (which I couldn’t control) I fucking raised the younger siblings because you would not do it. I was the one that made sure they had school supplies. I was the one to make sure they had clothes that fit them. I was the one to make sure they had lunch money. I was the one to make sure they had dinners made. I was the one that made sure they had money for fieldtrips or extracurricular activities. It was all done by me. God damn it sperm donor, FUCKING ASK THEM. They will tell you. It was all done by me. All of it. All the laundry, all the house cleaning, all of the all of the all of everything. 15-year-old me through 22-year-old me. 
1. Do you get it now why when I come to Utah that I stay in a hotel instead of at your house? It is because of you. I despise the things you have done. I despise the way I was treated. I despise that you are a coward. I despise that you won’t admit the truth even when we have shown you concrete evidence. I despise that the truth will go to the grave with you. I tolerate you because you are my ‘father’ by blood. I will not call you Dad or say I love you. I can’t and won’t do it. I just can’t so please stop expecting it. You want to know why I can’t do it? Because I don’t love you. I won’t apologize for my feelings. I never have apologized for the way I feel. You know me. I state exactly how I feel and I mean it. I don’t love you. I never will. John, you know which John, if you don’t you are lying again. He was more of a father figure to me than anyone I know on this planet. I love John. John is my true life ‘hero’ he taught me more of how to be a human being than you ever did. I don’t choose to stay in hotels when I visit John and his family. Why? Because I know I am loved. I know I am safe. I know I have never had the shit beat out of me. I know I will never have the shit beat out of me. I know I have good memories with this entire family. We can laugh and be friends with each other.
2. You could have had all of this too. However, you chose the cowardly way and it is what it is. Nothing more can be done about it. I can’t change you and you can’t change me. You can’t undo 40 years of trauma and lies. I have bold face told you the one thing I wanted from you. What is the one and only thing I have asked you to do? It is a 3-word phrase…….I feel like we should play Pictionary…………………….. I have waited my entire life to hear it………………….. All I ever wanted to hear was “I am sorry” You WILL NOT DO IT. YOU AND YOU ALONE HAVE CHOSEN NOT SAY IT. I am and always will be the innocent bystander in this. Well, yeah, I guess I could just ….what is that Disney song, “Let it Go” but there is too much trauma, I only barely touched the surface. I can’t let it go. If it were a few things here and some there, I probably could, but asking me to let it go would be asking too much. I think you are getting off pretty easy by me only asking for an apology. I mean let’s face it, I really could write a book of the trauma. Couldn’t I? Fuck, I could give so many references/witnesses to back up the stories that it would be on the best sellers list because a lot of people would realize that their life really isn’t as fucked up as mine was and I realize mine isn’t as fucked up as others. I really try not to use the word hate because HATE to me has such a negative strong emotion tied to it, and I hated hearing mom telling me she hated me, but if anyone in my life were close to being hated both you and mom would be neck and neck and I can pretty much with certainty say that no one else comes that close for me to say I hate them. I could have a plaque made or something if you’d like…..my eldest daughter hates me plaque? Or I can have your coffin engraved with it. I will let you pick.
3.  I know you will ask, so I might as well address it. Why would I say you are Father or sperm donor but she is mom instead of mother and fetus sack? I can be a little bit more gentle with her because she was mentally ill. You may have your issues too, but you have lived a lot longer, we have given you ample time, ample opportunity, concrete evidence, etc but the truth will still go the grave with you. With mom, the progression of the breast cancer to bone cancer to death happened within a relatively short time frame (4 years) and she did try to make some things right in the end. The things she knew she really fucked up on, she really tried. She may not have righted the wrongs she did with me, but maybe she figured I was the one doing the forgiving because I was the one who went and sat with her on a daily basis during the last four months of her life and would hold her hand while she slept.  She righted the wrongs with Katrina, Sherry, Ronnie and JBL. The funny part about all of it, 21-years later I am the only child that still goes to her grave often. Out of 9 children she gave birth to, only I go. You haven’t been since the memorial itself.  Just because I crack myself up….#weird #notweird that I was psychologically hurt the most but I am the most forgiving. Even my own mental illnesses, sailor mouth, etc. I am actually a tender hearted person. Something you were too busy to notice. You were so busy ‘working’ while I was busy raising my siblings and making sure they had a sense-of-self and that they KNEW they were loved by at least one person and that person was me. Of course this only relates to the biological siblings because I didn’t raise the siblings from your 2^nd wife or from moms previous marriage.
7. One last thing, just because I need to say it. I am NOT too stupid for college. In fact, I chose to do a double Bachelors of Science degrees. One in nursing and one in psychology (which you already know) but yeah – I am rubbing salt in the wound. Not only did I enroll in college, I finished, I graduated, I completed an honors level thesis that had to represent both programs (because you didn’t go to school that means I had to do a thesis that represented both nursing and psychology)– presented that thesis at the Undergraduate Research Symposium, I graduated with departmental honors IN BOTH programs and Cum Laude. I think I proved a point I am fully capable of going to college and graduating college – now I am making sure salt is dug deep into the wounds because I can. Whew, that part felt good!